Jesus in the paper

So, I have been given an opportunity to share with the world the good works God is doing in my life and after prayer I decided God wanted me to speak on these things. Someone out there needed to read about his redemption of this once Atheist soul. I am so thankful that He called upon me to be a light in such a dark world. I am forever grateful.
Freedom in her soul

Piece By Piece

WOW, I struggle with feeling my past hurts at all. I heard this version of Piece By Piece by Kelly Clarkson and I just sobbed!! I believe God is allowing me to begin to feel some of those hurts slowly...this song touched me so deeply I cannot even explain. Being fatherless and always wishing he would want me but never being accepted. so many broken pieces to heal...I pray he will comfort me as I do.

Faith Being Built

My faith in Christ is continuously being built and it is actually at an astronomical rate. July 2015 I didn't believe in ANY God. I believed in saving myself and the more I am being taught about a God I knew nothing about the easier day to day struggles are becoming. I once carried the burdens of this world upon my shoulders alone solely. What an awful life I was living. I sought means to destroy myself at any cost every moment I was awake. I just wanted the pain to stop and death was the only way I was aware could stop it. However, I know know we have a creator who only wants what is best for us in all aspects of our lives. Even in the storms there is something to be learned. I cannot believe how He is working in and through my life. I will be giving my testimony live for the first time ever at the end of March and I just pray the woman I speak to hear hope and gain inspiration to change their circumstances but I know it was God who reached down to me and saved me. Every horror that I endured in this life is going to be used to glorify him and how he has set me free. I am grateful!

2-16-16 Book

The farther I get along in recovery the more I am able to open up and be honest about all of my past. Most, which is filled with horror and despair. I did not realize that I was spiritually dead. One of my favorite sayings is "there is nothing worse than feeling dead when you're still alive." I felt this for most of my life. It's almost as though I had no idea how to even feel happiness and then when I did I struggled with feeling as though I even deserved it. I celebrated 7 months in sobriety yesterday. Sobriety to me is clean from drugs and sober from alcohol. This is the first time since I was 10 years old that I have lived in sobriety. Not only am I achieving sobriety but I also have sought a spiritual awakening, God. Although, I often think He sought after me lol. I have created a new group of friends and they are sober friends. I never fathomed this to be possible as what I have seen my whole life has been riddled with addictive behaviors. I have wrote my testimony of the good work God is doing inside of me and around me but also stated where my life was broken down many times by the devil. I am so  grateful that God did not label me "Non-Redeemable". There is hope as I am living proof. I am slowly attempting to put into words my life and the experiences I have endured in hopes to publish it one day and give back the hope God has given to me. I am for the first time since I have been alive grateful to live another day. Battling domestic abuse, addiction, mental illness and codependency are just some of the struggles I am learning to overcome with God as my refuge. There is freedom in telling!

12-31-15 2015 Reflections

As I sit and ponder all of this last year I am astounded!  I have fought some of the hardest battles of this life thus far and I amazed that I survived it. For the last 20+ years I have been living my will and being my own God always trying to dodge the next curve ball life through my way. I inevitably became the most miserable version of me that I could be. So lost that I couldn't even reach out when my own life depended on it. That's what pride will do to some of the strongest people. I would have rather died than to let anyone know I was failing.  I had been failing for years but was so delusional about my own reality that I thought others did not even see what was happening to me. My crazy thinking even told me that no one else would even care if they even knew just how bad I had let my life become.  I was caught in fear and shame so deep that all I wished for was death at it's finest. I was lost with no hope at all and even prayed to a God I didn't believe in to cease my beating heart.  I just wanted death! My prayers were answered but certainly not in the manner I had once hoped for. I did die but not in the physical form I prayed for...spiritually capsized.  The Lord allowed me to become so broken that I had no other option but to seek Him. I was so weary and tired of living the hell I created myself that I needed Him to rescue me. That's what He does best, rescues those who are lost and broken. It was such a glorious day when I came to reason that there is a power greater than myself who would restore me to sanity and I believe it is Jesus Christ.  I cannot express the freedom I felt when the burdens of this hell I created were lifted as the Lord opened His arms to a wretch like me. Even when i did not believe he existed! He promises that if we seek Him he is faithful and just. I have been reborn again and feel so much life breathed back into me it is surreal! Even when I found it hard to trust what was coming next I faithfully laid my worries upon Him and sure enough he was faithful back. I am for the first time in my life grateful that I am alive to share this hope I have found and fully intend to share it with others as this world's biggest dilemma is that we have lost hope and faith.  Looking forward to 2016 I cannot imagine how He will use me and my story to help bring others to the same reality I am now creating which includes faithfully seeking Him in all matters. I have been set FREE in 2015!!!

12-8-15 Doubt

I have found myself in a lot of doubt lately. Doubting every choice I've ever made and my ability to make good choices for my future.  I am trying to be still as I have always been a runner from everything. I am heartbroken over a relationship I've been in for about a year and a half now. Not knowing if I should walk away or try to wait. He is facing some hefty time and what's crazy about it...I don't know that the time is even negotiable to my heart. I cannot fathom finding another who completes my soul the way his does. Sometimes I get lonely and have sought others but there is no doubt he was sent for me. No one understands my brokenness the way he does nor am I willing to allow another into that part of me. I just feel victimized over the whole thing. I had no control over any part of what landed him where he is. I feel a bit lost in soul and my mind is my own worst enemy. Praying God will provide discernment over the whole thing. I need some sort if peace desperately.  Thanks for listening.

12-1-15 Victorious

My life has taken a complete toll to the bottom. Since June of this year everything has downward spiraled going 100 miles an hour. First, i walked away from my life as I knew it and went into hiding to protect the love of my life who was taken into custody for some charges in June. The law caught up and he is now awaiting sentencing. The hardest part is not knowing an out date.  We ended up finding refuge at my mother's house before they took him.  Life as I knew it; having my own house, driving brand new cars, making $75, 000 a year came to a screeching halt. I was now driving a used car and living back at my mothers house...first time since I was 17 years old. All I had left was my children and my job. In November I lost my job as well of four years.  God promises to make all things nee not just some. So I prayed that He would place me where he deemed necessary.  I am in complete surrender to His will for my life. I cannot do this by myself, I've tried and ran a good race but in the end God revealed my need for Him. I need Him so desperately and I had no clue. I was dead on the inside but living through the motions fighting every battle alone all the while killing myself a little more everyday. I prayed to a God I didn't even know to cease this beating heart because I didn't know how to get out of the horror story my life had become. I am in awe at the miracle He is doing within me. Yesterday,  I was blessed with a job offer and plan to start a new chapter that is oriented around God and His will for my life. I struggle with knowing if it's His will or my stubbornness with letting my love go or stay because God wants us together or not. I just keep praying for discernment in the situation.  I know that I love him dearly but I wonder if God separated us for good or just now. I know the day I gave myself to the Lord I was talking with him on the phone and told him my plans and stood firm and he freely decided that God is also what he needs in this life. Was that God's purpose for me in his life to lead him back to God and move on? I'm so unsure sometimes when it comes to knowing if what I'm doing is His will or my own. Anyway,  victoriously I will say God is renewing every part of my life for the better and I have faith He will show me what is right with this jailhouse relationship I am maintaining.  Thank you Lord as I am seeking you and you are so faithful.