12-31-15 2015 Reflections

As I sit and ponder all of this last year I am astounded!  I have fought some of the hardest battles of this life thus far and I amazed that I survived it. For the last 20+ years I have been living my will and being my own God always trying to dodge the next curve ball life through my way. I inevitably became the most miserable version of me that I could be. So lost that I couldn't even reach out when my own life depended on it. That's what pride will do to some of the strongest people. I would have rather died than to let anyone know I was failing.  I had been failing for years but was so delusional about my own reality that I thought others did not even see what was happening to me. My crazy thinking even told me that no one else would even care if they even knew just how bad I had let my life become.  I was caught in fear and shame so deep that all I wished for was death at it's finest. I was lost with no hope at all and even prayed to a God I didn't believe in to cease my beating heart.  I just wanted death! My prayers were answered but certainly not in the manner I had once hoped for. I did die but not in the physical form I prayed for...spiritually capsized.  The Lord allowed me to become so broken that I had no other option but to seek Him. I was so weary and tired of living the hell I created myself that I needed Him to rescue me. That's what He does best, rescues those who are lost and broken. It was such a glorious day when I came to reason that there is a power greater than myself who would restore me to sanity and I believe it is Jesus Christ.  I cannot express the freedom I felt when the burdens of this hell I created were lifted as the Lord opened His arms to a wretch like me. Even when i did not believe he existed! He promises that if we seek Him he is faithful and just. I have been reborn again and feel so much life breathed back into me it is surreal! Even when I found it hard to trust what was coming next I faithfully laid my worries upon Him and sure enough he was faithful back. I am for the first time in my life grateful that I am alive to share this hope I have found and fully intend to share it with others as this world's biggest dilemma is that we have lost hope and faith.  Looking forward to 2016 I cannot imagine how He will use me and my story to help bring others to the same reality I am now creating which includes faithfully seeking Him in all matters. I have been set FREE in 2015!!!