Had court today and I'm facing some serious charges. I
am 70 days into a lifetime of sobriety but still get filled with fear
that I will drop dirty. I struggle daily with these suicidal thoughts in
which I know why I don't tell many because unless they LIVE it they do
not understand it. Some can hear what you say bit in their sound mind
cannot fathom the thought of taking their own life. I get so trapped in
these moments death feels like the only acceptable route. Nothing in
this world makes me think owh that's dumb...carry on. Wish I could
better understand why I feel so hopeless at times. I often forget how
talented I really can be. I wish the mental illness would subside and
sometimes it does. I am striving for healing because I believe it exists
but only once we work on what it so broken. And when I think back
wow...there's a lot of brokenness. I always thought moving forward and
farther away from the past would make it better. I mean come on I see
people do it all the time but in reality I too was living that fake
reality for many years. I minimize things I've been through and tell
myself "this ur problem suck it up sally" when really in order to deal I
must face the demons of my past I simply cannot run anymore. I'm sick
and tired of being sick and tired. Secrecy has held me captive for too
many years I want to learn to do more than survive I want to learn how
to LIVE.
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