This morning I woke up and had many thoughts of
quitting everything I'm dreaming of. The adversary always likes to feed
crazy thoughts of not being good enough or that you and ur testimony
don't even matter really so why even try. I know in my heart I am being
called upon to stay "Silent No More". The book I'm writing is very hard
at times. I must relive the moments of horror to get to the awesomeness
of how he saved me. Through the brokenness I know many will be reached I
just hope that I am strong enough to carry out the calling that I feel.
I have scheduled an appointment on Friday to see a therapist who
specializes in rape and addiction. I keep getting fleeting moments of
not wanting to see her because that is one of the horrifying experiences
I've never spoken about. I don't even fully recall all of it at this
time. Its almost like I know it happened and it was documented by police
and the local newspaper as my perpetrator was sentenced for his crimes
against me. So much guilt and shame for what had happened to me and I'm
not sure why I was the victim and I continue to be victimized by this. I
was only 10 years old...a fourth grader! He was a 21 year old man. The
guilt...owh the guilt! Hoping today is awesome and goes by quickly
because I love Thursday night's as I have my home church CR (celebrate
recovery) group to attend and no matter what kind of day I've had it
always brings my spirit up.
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