9-26-15 Neverending Thoughts

Today has been a mediocre day. I got up this morning and went to breakfast with a friend this morning and had a great talk.  I am not used to having any female contact except for my sister most of my life. It's almost like I don't even know how to interact with them. Maybe it's the fear of abandonment that stems from my childhood. I have made quite a few new sister's in Christ in the last two months. They seem to be trustworthy and seeking the same things I am in search of. I never knew that there were actually beautiful souls in this world. One's who are not out to seek and destroy. I have closed myself off to so many people over the years because everyone I have ever trusted in has betrayed me and I eventually gave up all hope in finding anyone who might even WANT to try or listen to me at all. So many years I have carried all my burdens on my shoulders feeling as though each and every one of them was because of something I had done.  I must have deserved all of this hurt or I would not be enduring it...funny how we tell ourselves these kinds of thoughts for years and eventually we start believing them. They define who we are and likewise we allow ourselves to believe what others think of us. So much so that we lose sight of who we even are. I remember not too long ago I was asked "what is it that makes you happy" and all my mind could think of was drugs. Drugs were my only escape from this reality that had surrounded me and that was filled with hurt and pain and absolute despair. Now, being in sobriety I can start to see what I like and it is writing. I have always wrote poetry but most of it was just a release of all the negative feelings inside. Very dark and a lot of pain within the words. I have learned over the years by being belittled and broken down the power of words.  They are so powerful. I struggle with coming to terms with everything I thought I always knew was nothing it ever really was. For example, I thought my sister was my protector and my husband was the one I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life only to find out they had both forsaken my trust. They were sleeping together for years. How stupid and blind can I be to not see it? I am guilty of thinking others have the same heart as I do.  Although I have just recently learned this affair from my husband's mouth the Lord has placed forgiveness and peace in my heart about it. It's funny because I thought this would destroy me to find out that my husband was not faithful to me but in reality I am not sure I care and that is probably because I did not love him like I once thought. I was just afraid to be alone. Everything is being shown to me in time. I had never known about the monster I lived with for so many years. He was a rapist, cheater, woman beater, manipulator, child abuser and so many other descriptions that I just could not have ever fathomed. I feel betrayed as I gave him every piece of me and then some. I felt very insufficient for him so much so that I offered other females to him in our bedroom trying to compensate for what I thought I lacked. I mean, I hated me so why wouldn't he?  Maybe I somehow wanted him to hate me too, little did I know he really did. I don't believe we ever fell in love but hung onto each other in fear of abandonment. Abandonment has played a HUGE role in my choices in life. Although this was the biggest fear of my life, I learned that I never knew I needed God until God was all I had...Hebrews 13:5 states "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you". This was the very first scripture I ever read in my life and it brought me so much comfort to realize I was not alone, ever. Even when it seemed as though the sun would not shine He was right there fighting the same storm with me. Thank you Lord, I have found so much comfort in your refuge and pray to one day see myself like you see me.