Seems it has been far too long since I've laid out what's
on my heart. I hear God speaking to me! Loudly! Most amazing thing
is...I'm listening. I believe he has spoken to me many times before but
I was so focused on not screwing everything up I couldn't even see what
a true mess I had all around me. I am weak all the while I was
listening to the devil tell me how strong I was but not without drugs,
men, cars, careers and a must for me was NEVER letting anyone know when I
was in need of help. I believe they refer to this as PRIDE. He had me
so convinced pride was what I jad to worship instead of the Lord who
accepts me for who I am and the stumbles I've fell upon. Oh no, those
had to be kept secret because you know "I got this". Even when I thought
I had surrendered to God I didn't realize there were parts that just
were NOT up for negotiation, like men. A man in specific, Nickolas. I
was trying to convince God of my need to him and him to I when he spoke
to me that I was not surrendering to the complete good work he wants to
do in and for me. I was idolizing Nickolas with everything I had to
give. Emotionally, financially and spiritually. I was telling god how
Nickolas just cannot do this season without me when the Lord reminded me
it was without Him that Nickolas cannot do this season. It broke my
heart to tell Nickolas Monday that I needed to walk this journey alone
with God to truly obtain the healing I so desperately need. Nickolas
felt abandoned, deserted and of no worth and all I can do now is pray
that he finds his worth in the Lord and not me, kids or family because
there may come a day when all of those things/people will disappear.
..then who shall we run to? I am learning this one. ..god. Kids will
grow up and marry and spouses will pass away and money is only
temporary. .. God is the one and only constant in this life.
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