I am not in good spirits at all tonight. I am feeling
very pessimistic towards my future. I am being filled with worry over
something I cannot control the outcome of. I wish I could just fast
forward this part of my life but the reality of it is that I have to
learn acceptance. Accepting the things I cannot change, present or
future. My emotions feel like they are all over the place. Wishing I
knew how to control them or how to immediately redirect them before I
get this low. I hate that there never seems to be a medium mode for me.
Its always extreme highs and CRASH extreme low. It almost feels like I'm
being punished to be able to feel this much all the time. I am a
logical thinker and I am seeking to make sense of everything that I've
avoided. If I can understand it is one battle but believing it is a
whole different realm. Self worth. ..what is that? How is it that I can
value others so much and be careless for myself? How does one build self
worth? So many thoughts that never stop. Anyway, made myself see the
therapist today and it went ok. I tried to give as much as I could but I
was definitely scatter brain. I started to talk and realized there are
so many things it felt a bit overwhelming. I liked the lady I met today
but struggled a bit with having different religious beliefs almost like
I had to explain and justify my beliefs to her because she believes in
Hinduism in which I am ignorant to completely. I did a little research
on it and at least attempted to view things from that perspective. I
have not counted her out because of this but wondered if it would be
easier to tell someone who likewise understood my beliefs. I will give
it a shot because I don't believe anyone is brought into your life by
accident so I prayed and asked God to reveal why this path was laid
before me. Bright side, I liked that she can see me every week. I need
intense therapy so once to twice a week is good for me. These thoughts
get so overwhelming and my "normal" reaction is to use and shut the
thoughts up. Now I don't know if I know how to tunnel them into a
different direction. Makes me a little sad to know I am diseased with
mental illness and addiction and there is no cure just something I must
battle the rest of my life. I want healing more than anything and I
believe if I continue to seek his word that he will answer my prayers
and heal what's broken in me. Thanks for another day of sobriety Lord,
without you this would not have been possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment