9-25-15 Therapist

Well today is "the day". I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I am anxious about seeing her. I have tried a million times in a million ways to talk myself out of going tonight.  She specializes in rape and addiction.  Not sure why I go through fight or flight mode about my rape. Its like something that has happened to me but not something I am ready to freely talk about.  I have told others that it happened but not really EVER gone into details with ANYONE.  I suppose I reference it in the passing like... "I was raped when I was 10 years old" that's where the details stop. Some if the actions that happened after this incident are shameful to me. When I was 11 I "slept" with a 26 year old man. I have thought about this incident many times as I see my children growing as my oldest is 12 and think "oh my god, he is JUST A CHILD". That 26 year old man was a pedophile. I guess I carry shame because I didn't say no to him but him being the adult in the situation he should have never pursued me. These following few years I would learn that saying no didn't matter anyway and it was easier to just let them "have it" than to feel as though they were taking another piece of my soul. So much shame and guilt for my actions from the age of 10-13 years old. Anyway I hope this lady I am going to see today doesn't want to "dive right in". I did however make sure this office offers weekly appointments because the last person I sought only offered one appointment every 2-3 weeks and life is such a mess that I know I need to keep close contact with those who can help untangle the demons of my past. Then, I havr CR again tonight :) Yay! I know God is all around me and will hold me up with his right hand if the demons begin to overcome my thoughts.  Please pray for me as I embark on doing something different in this life because I believe its true "if you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you've always got". Thanks :)