I am grateful to be alive even after the awful night.
Funny thing about this is for so many years I would pray to a God I
didn't even know. I would pray every time I got low for him to cease
this beating heart. I just wanted the pain within to stop. I have
attempted to make it more than once. I cannot put into words what the
Lord is doing inside of me and also around me. My world is vastly
different from what it was like in July of this year with my last
attempt of suicide. There are no scientific reasons as to why I pulled
through that attempt except for God's mercy. I didn't even believe in
him at that time and he never left my side for the whole 8 hours I was
staring death in the face. He cradled me and saw me through. That night
I ate 6mg of Xanax and shot myself up with heroin and this combination
has proved to take many lives. I knew this would put me to sleep forever
as many many have died from this before and I have stood in my kitchen
with my love while his lips were blue and he was on the floor lifeless
knocking on deaths door. I can recall keeping him breathing until his
coma would pass. The pain inside just wouldn't stop and I desperately
begged to a God I did not believe in to just silence this soul. Funny
thing is...he has answered this prayer but in a much different way than I
ever imagined. Yes I do still struggle but the overwhelming undeniable
pain I struggled through has not become to much for Him to handle. When I
feel these feelings coming on or find myself there before I even
realize it He calls me to seek his word in every matter. He is my
comforter and I pray every day to be delivered from these chains. The
Lord has surrounded me with beautiful souls who are caring, godly and
always there without judgement. Thank you Lord I am grateful!
No comments:
Post a Comment