Jesus in the paper

So, I have been given an opportunity to share with the world the good works God is doing in my life and after prayer I decided God wanted me to speak on these things. Someone out there needed to read about his redemption of this once Atheist soul. I am so thankful that He called upon me to be a light in such a dark world. I am forever grateful.
Freedom in her soul

Piece By Piece

WOW, I struggle with feeling my past hurts at all. I heard this version of Piece By Piece by Kelly Clarkson and I just sobbed!! I believe God is allowing me to begin to feel some of those hurts slowly...this song touched me so deeply I cannot even explain. Being fatherless and always wishing he would want me but never being accepted. so many broken pieces to heal...I pray he will comfort me as I do.

Faith Being Built

My faith in Christ is continuously being built and it is actually at an astronomical rate. July 2015 I didn't believe in ANY God. I believed in saving myself and the more I am being taught about a God I knew nothing about the easier day to day struggles are becoming. I once carried the burdens of this world upon my shoulders alone solely. What an awful life I was living. I sought means to destroy myself at any cost every moment I was awake. I just wanted the pain to stop and death was the only way I was aware could stop it. However, I know know we have a creator who only wants what is best for us in all aspects of our lives. Even in the storms there is something to be learned. I cannot believe how He is working in and through my life. I will be giving my testimony live for the first time ever at the end of March and I just pray the woman I speak to hear hope and gain inspiration to change their circumstances but I know it was God who reached down to me and saved me. Every horror that I endured in this life is going to be used to glorify him and how he has set me free. I am grateful!

2-16-16 Book

The farther I get along in recovery the more I am able to open up and be honest about all of my past. Most, which is filled with horror and despair. I did not realize that I was spiritually dead. One of my favorite sayings is "there is nothing worse than feeling dead when you're still alive." I felt this for most of my life. It's almost as though I had no idea how to even feel happiness and then when I did I struggled with feeling as though I even deserved it. I celebrated 7 months in sobriety yesterday. Sobriety to me is clean from drugs and sober from alcohol. This is the first time since I was 10 years old that I have lived in sobriety. Not only am I achieving sobriety but I also have sought a spiritual awakening, God. Although, I often think He sought after me lol. I have created a new group of friends and they are sober friends. I never fathomed this to be possible as what I have seen my whole life has been riddled with addictive behaviors. I have wrote my testimony of the good work God is doing inside of me and around me but also stated where my life was broken down many times by the devil. I am so  grateful that God did not label me "Non-Redeemable". There is hope as I am living proof. I am slowly attempting to put into words my life and the experiences I have endured in hopes to publish it one day and give back the hope God has given to me. I am for the first time since I have been alive grateful to live another day. Battling domestic abuse, addiction, mental illness and codependency are just some of the struggles I am learning to overcome with God as my refuge. There is freedom in telling!

12-31-15 2015 Reflections

As I sit and ponder all of this last year I am astounded!  I have fought some of the hardest battles of this life thus far and I amazed that I survived it. For the last 20+ years I have been living my will and being my own God always trying to dodge the next curve ball life through my way. I inevitably became the most miserable version of me that I could be. So lost that I couldn't even reach out when my own life depended on it. That's what pride will do to some of the strongest people. I would have rather died than to let anyone know I was failing.  I had been failing for years but was so delusional about my own reality that I thought others did not even see what was happening to me. My crazy thinking even told me that no one else would even care if they even knew just how bad I had let my life become.  I was caught in fear and shame so deep that all I wished for was death at it's finest. I was lost with no hope at all and even prayed to a God I didn't believe in to cease my beating heart.  I just wanted death! My prayers were answered but certainly not in the manner I had once hoped for. I did die but not in the physical form I prayed for...spiritually capsized.  The Lord allowed me to become so broken that I had no other option but to seek Him. I was so weary and tired of living the hell I created myself that I needed Him to rescue me. That's what He does best, rescues those who are lost and broken. It was such a glorious day when I came to reason that there is a power greater than myself who would restore me to sanity and I believe it is Jesus Christ.  I cannot express the freedom I felt when the burdens of this hell I created were lifted as the Lord opened His arms to a wretch like me. Even when i did not believe he existed! He promises that if we seek Him he is faithful and just. I have been reborn again and feel so much life breathed back into me it is surreal! Even when I found it hard to trust what was coming next I faithfully laid my worries upon Him and sure enough he was faithful back. I am for the first time in my life grateful that I am alive to share this hope I have found and fully intend to share it with others as this world's biggest dilemma is that we have lost hope and faith.  Looking forward to 2016 I cannot imagine how He will use me and my story to help bring others to the same reality I am now creating which includes faithfully seeking Him in all matters. I have been set FREE in 2015!!!

12-8-15 Doubt

I have found myself in a lot of doubt lately. Doubting every choice I've ever made and my ability to make good choices for my future.  I am trying to be still as I have always been a runner from everything. I am heartbroken over a relationship I've been in for about a year and a half now. Not knowing if I should walk away or try to wait. He is facing some hefty time and what's crazy about it...I don't know that the time is even negotiable to my heart. I cannot fathom finding another who completes my soul the way his does. Sometimes I get lonely and have sought others but there is no doubt he was sent for me. No one understands my brokenness the way he does nor am I willing to allow another into that part of me. I just feel victimized over the whole thing. I had no control over any part of what landed him where he is. I feel a bit lost in soul and my mind is my own worst enemy. Praying God will provide discernment over the whole thing. I need some sort if peace desperately.  Thanks for listening.

12-1-15 Victorious

My life has taken a complete toll to the bottom. Since June of this year everything has downward spiraled going 100 miles an hour. First, i walked away from my life as I knew it and went into hiding to protect the love of my life who was taken into custody for some charges in June. The law caught up and he is now awaiting sentencing. The hardest part is not knowing an out date.  We ended up finding refuge at my mother's house before they took him.  Life as I knew it; having my own house, driving brand new cars, making $75, 000 a year came to a screeching halt. I was now driving a used car and living back at my mothers house...first time since I was 17 years old. All I had left was my children and my job. In November I lost my job as well of four years.  God promises to make all things nee not just some. So I prayed that He would place me where he deemed necessary.  I am in complete surrender to His will for my life. I cannot do this by myself, I've tried and ran a good race but in the end God revealed my need for Him. I need Him so desperately and I had no clue. I was dead on the inside but living through the motions fighting every battle alone all the while killing myself a little more everyday. I prayed to a God I didn't even know to cease this beating heart because I didn't know how to get out of the horror story my life had become. I am in awe at the miracle He is doing within me. Yesterday,  I was blessed with a job offer and plan to start a new chapter that is oriented around God and His will for my life. I struggle with knowing if it's His will or my stubbornness with letting my love go or stay because God wants us together or not. I just keep praying for discernment in the situation.  I know that I love him dearly but I wonder if God separated us for good or just now. I know the day I gave myself to the Lord I was talking with him on the phone and told him my plans and stood firm and he freely decided that God is also what he needs in this life. Was that God's purpose for me in his life to lead him back to God and move on? I'm so unsure sometimes when it comes to knowing if what I'm doing is His will or my own. Anyway,  victoriously I will say God is renewing every part of my life for the better and I have faith He will show me what is right with this jailhouse relationship I am maintaining.  Thank you Lord as I am seeking you and you are so faithful.

11-11-15 Faith

Started my day off with God calling me to seek him. Woke up at 530am and opened the bible not sure what I was seeking but I read proverbs 21 thru 27. Then I sat in prayer and headed out for my normal 730 am shift. My oldest boy and I have been home last two days because he had testicle surgery on Monday.  Upon returning to work I was called to the human resources department at 830 am. They informed me that I was no longer a good fit for the company and terminated me on the spot. A job I had worked at for the last 4 years. I was in complete acceptance and stated "well, I am glad my son had his surgery Monday and not tomorrow" and they walked me out. My first response was to lean on God and call out to my prayer warriors.  They faithfully prayed and I broke the sorrowful news that I had just lost my $60, 000 a yr job. Ouch. As much chaos that has been hitting me lately I felt comfort knowing God has a purpose and a plan for me even when I cannot see it. I was just taken by a guy who I thought I was helping the weekend previous and he stole $600 from me. Now they mean it when they say when it rains,  it pours.  I was baptized on 9/13/15 and I considered it as my public showing of my choice to follow the Lord however only some of my old life died. I have faith God is completing this "making of everything new". There is always a purpose and teaching to be taught I just pray God gives me wisdom to see his reasoning.  I am supposed to sign a $800 mo lease TOMORROW but will first seek unemployment numbers to see if I am able to survive.  I am a single mother of two and just need some refuge from this storm Lord.  I know if I come to you humbly and in humility you will and always are a faithful God.

11-10-15 Been a while

Seems it has been far too long since I've laid out what's on my heart. I hear God speaking to me! Loudly! Most amazing thing is...I'm listening.  I believe he has spoken to me many times before but I was so focused on not screwing everything up I couldn't even see what a true mess I had all around me. I am weak all the while I was listening to the devil tell me how strong I was but not without drugs, men, cars, careers and a must for me was NEVER letting anyone know when I was in need of help. I believe they refer to this as PRIDE.  He had me so convinced pride was what I jad to worship instead of the Lord who accepts me for who I am and the stumbles I've fell upon. Oh no, those had to be kept secret because you know "I got this". Even when I thought I had surrendered to God I didn't realize there were parts that just were NOT up for negotiation, like men. A man in specific,  Nickolas.  I was trying to convince God of my need to him and him to I when he spoke to me that I was not surrendering to the complete good work he wants to do in and for me. I was idolizing Nickolas with everything I had to give. Emotionally,  financially and spiritually. I was telling god how Nickolas just cannot do this season without me when the Lord reminded me it was without Him that Nickolas cannot do this season. It broke my heart to tell Nickolas Monday that I needed to walk this journey alone with God to truly obtain the healing I so desperately need. Nickolas felt abandoned, deserted and of no worth and all I can do now is pray that he finds his worth in the Lord and not me, kids or family because there may come a day when all of those things/people will disappear. ..then who shall we run to? I am learning this one. ..god. Kids will grow up and marry and spouses will pass away and money is only temporary. .. God is the one and only constant in this life.

11-2-15 The Monster

It amazes me how one can be so blind to the reality they live in at times.  I was married for 10 miserable years to a monster. Thing are being told me to that i cannot even comprehend. My heard is shattered and I am almost in disbelief of what is being said but I do not doubt what has been said as been done.  I he a rapist, manipulator and one of the worst people I have ever known. I knew the sexual abuse he put me through during or marriage but was totally oblivious to the torment he was doing to others around me.  He raped my best friend and did scare tactics that are unfathomable to her. And even after all that she was still a faithful friend to me. I carry so much shame and guilt for not even being able to protect these people. Can you fathom the horror this girl lives in because of this man? Or my sister,my dear sister...forced to give him oral for a place to live or a cigarette or anything he solely manipulated everyone around me. I cannot help but feel so much hurt hate anger and despair. I just pray god can heal yet again another broken piece to my life. Please pray for me.

11-2-15 Hurt

I am still being exposed to the monster that I loved and lived with for so many years. It seems as though the pain Will never end. It is hard to conceive what a monster he really was. I know how horrible he could be to me Sometimes but had no clue what he was doing to everyone around me. My heart aches knowing I did not protect them. I hate myself for being so blind. Lord please uphold this heavy heart as this burden is way too much to bear.  Amen

10-26-15 90 Days of sobriety by the grace of God

Yesterday marked my 90 days of sobriety! I am so grateful God never gave up on a wretch like me! I am worthy to him!! Thank you so much for believing in me when I could not find worth in myself or this life. You are a forgiving gracious God.  I will forever give you the glory because without you I am nothing. I've tried that path and sure I had some victories but in the end I was knocking on death's door but you didn't give up! You cradled me with your unfailing love and mercy as I overdosed on xanax and heroin and saw me through.  I know you believe that I will show your light through my stuggles! I am blessed to have a  God like you! Amen!!

10-24-15 The devil is always right around the corner

Well, It has been a little while since I have wrote here. Usually that is because I am going through something or many things it seems all at once. Had a cancer scare last Monday with my oldest boy. The last thing you ever expect to hear a doctor say is your child's name and the word cancer in the same sentence. I was so afraid. And yet, the devil was right there trying to coach me back into ways of escaping this reality as it was too much for the mind to conceive. I leaned heavily on the Lord to help me through this and he was faithful. So very faithful. He moved mountains that even the doctors were certain would come back with positive results for a cancer present. No, no cancer was there. To think what might have happened if I allowed the devil to convince me it was too much for the lord to handle...I would not be celebrating 104 days of sobriety today! I am grateful. Last night while reading the bible, Matthew to be exact, I learned how to tell who's who. I always wondered because I know the devil was once an angel so how do you know if one is trustworthy or not. Well the scripture answered this question for me. One can tell by the fruit of the tree. A good tree will bear good fruit and a bad tree will bear bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit and a bad tree cannot bear bad fruit. To me this means that if we watch to see who is bearing fruit we can see who's true to Him and his word. I was in amazement to see that all the questions I've ever had lie right in the scripture. God is good and I love him.

10-18-15 The greiving begins

How do you learn to forgive the two people you trusted the most in this world your husband and your protector your sister I think my sister hurts the worst I want to forgive her but then I know how deeply she can hurt and I don't know that I can ever be open that door and if so maybe I'll just crack it I don't know that I can ever fully open it how stupid can one be first of all for not seeing second person for allowing of that person back into your life like nothing ever happened I just don't know that I'm ready for this I am broken into a million pieces by the people I trusted the most life's real funny isn't it

10-14-15 an apology never received

I have noticed I am in search of an apology and I am not receiving it nor any remorse for the hurt imposed upon me. My sister and my husband had an affair for many years and I know God has placed forgiveness in my heart for the incident but I am desperately seeking an apology and remorse from my sister. I feel so foolish to trust so many so much. Hard lesson for me to learn but I learned it. I don't feel bitter and i still want to trust people again I just learned who I cannot trust and they were the very people I trusted the most in this life.  I beat myself up wondering HOW could a smart girl like myself be so foolish?!? I guess it's true, sometimes a good heart cannot see the bad! I am trying to figure out how to truly let this go...and how do you FULLY forgive when someone doesn't show any remorse? So many unanswered questions. I pray the Lord will give me wisdom for this in His time.

10-2-15 Grief

How does one grieve? How do you go though and emotion of grief? Seems as though most of my life grief was never allowed and we were taught to keep moving forward, never look back. The problem I have found is this mentality is only a band aid for the moment and eventually that grief needs to be dealt with. I have found that I did move forward in many aspects of my life except for dealing with the pain. I would "run" by using. If I started to feel I learned a poor remedy to silence those thoughts and fears. I feel a bit disconnected with it all. It being things I have endured in this life. I always thought of myself as being a window shopper in my life. That being, I observed what was happening but never assumed responsibility of actually being part of the reality around me. I never wanted anyone to feel sympathetic because I felt that was me wanting attention and in the end no one really cared anyway.  But in reality people do care about me and that is a hard bone to choke down. Why do they care? Are they just being nosey or even comparing their struggle to mine and how much worse mine is? I heard someone once say "I mean I have problems but not like yours" what does this mean?  Does it comfort them to know I'm more messed up than they are? Lots of unanswered questions I pray daily for the Lord to give me understanding and wisdom.

10-1-15 Amazing

I am just in Awe at the work He is doing inside of me. I don't think we notice it as it's happening until others around us start pointing it out. My boss and I just had a conversation about my downward spiral after I left my husband. He did not have a clue and the Lord put it in my heart to come clean about it. I did not tell how far I had gone but did disclose with him about my prescription drug addiction I was battling. I was wrote up at work in June of 2015 for falling asleep on the job. I was intoxicating myself so much with norco and xanax that I began to fall asleep on my job. I was caught a few times in this manner. Then, my addiction told me that Heroin would keep me awake and it did. so I then started to do this before work, at lunch and always at home. I was on a path of destruction. I could not stop all I sought was a way out in which my mental illness combined with my addiction told me suicide was the only way. I still have a hard time dealing with learning new coping skills and how to redirect these thoughts and feelings before they become that serious. I am off to see a new counselor tonight and I hope it works well. She was a reference from the lead pastor at my church so at least I will not have a belief conflict. I also have CR tonight and that is always a spiritual uplift. Tomorrow we have a concert funded by our church's CR ministry. The band Carollton will be performing and I have been blessed to be able to help with some of the necessities and as the bible says that he has blessed us and if we can we are to "pay it forward" lol

9-30-15 Birthday - Prison

Well, another year passes me by and for the first time in a really long time I am grateful to be alive. I am however in a bit of despair as I feel alone inside. I know the Lord is always walking by my side and helps me with anything I may stumble upon and I have prayed a lot today for him to deliver me from this feeling. My other half is incarcerated right now and I miss him dearly. I  miss his touch, kisses and ultimately his companionship. I don't even have the desire for anyone but him. I have thought what it might be like walking away but I know deep inside no one will ever compare to the happiness and belonging he shares with me. Many are judgmental and expect one to just walk away from him but I realize they do not understand God's Law. God's law is Love. Hebrews 13:3 states "Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in body" and I know the Lord does not want me to turn my back as much of this broken world has on him. I will be his ray of hope to help him deal with a loneliness that I could not imagine. I also was imprisoned and I know first hand how awful of a feeling this was. Alone, desperate, broken and hopeless. I always point him to scripture when he is down or angry well for practically anything as I don't know the answers but I do know who does, God. He is good if only we learn to seek him in the right moments, which is every moment. I am still working on this as well but God does not expect perfection but delights in progression. I must remember it has taken me 20+ years to become this broken and it will take time to become less broken. I am not sure once you're broken that you can ever become "unbroken" as those scars still remain but with time and God as my reference I believe he will make me wise enough to know what to do in every situation so long as I seek him. He will transform my mind and heart so slowly that I will not even realize as it's happening and one day I will be able to look back and see just how far he has brought me. Thank you Lord, my father and comforter in all the parts of my life.

9-27-15 To God be the Glory

Today I am filled with gratitude. I am rejoice that the Lord is coming for those labeled in society as "nonredeemable". Often times people judge a book by its cover not thinking past what lies within. I am so grateful to have been found. I know in my heart I would never be able to accomplish what lies behind me nor ahead of me without him. He has made me so grateful to know that he has forgiven me for things I could never forgive myself for. He is my refuge, my comforter and most importantly my creator. He rejoices in my weakness as that is where he can work the most in my life. I have surrendered to the fact that this life is not possible without him. Crazy how I never even knew that all the answers I have so longed for are right in the book that I too...judged by its cover. I know my past experiences are hard for some to fathom, especially myself, but I believe he is calling me to tell others about the good work he is doing in and around me.  My life is worth living and my story will inspire others even if it is only one soul who can see the hope and believe with all of their heart he is the savior, the almighty creator I will have done great things in his eyes.  What a small repayment it is for all that he has done for me. He SAVED me! I was a lost soul who felt hopeless and helpless most of my life and rooted myself solely in the accomplishments that were pleasing to this world but once I realized doing what pleases him reaped so much reward beyond what one could ever imagine, that, that alone has begun filling this never ending void that I once held in my soul. I heard the pastor's message today speaking about how we were all created to worship something from the day we were born and I couldn't have said it better. I however, was not seeking to worship him.  Maybe it was fear that I had gone so far that even he could not reach me, not true.  I worshiped money, my career, success and many things that were not stable nor ever truly can be. I had gained all of those things and still found myself empty and seeking more, more, more. And the overwhelming feeling of instability in the workplace kept me up many nights. Now, I have begun to see everything in a much different light.  Even without a job I know he will provide for me what I need. Most importantly I am finally spiritually ALIVE. I never realized how dead I was on the inside. I am so grateful that he came for me and met me right where I was in my sin and all and told me "come to me my child, seek refuge and I will be your deliverer" and that he did! To God be the glory I am being set free!

9-26-15 Neverending Thoughts

Today has been a mediocre day. I got up this morning and went to breakfast with a friend this morning and had a great talk.  I am not used to having any female contact except for my sister most of my life. It's almost like I don't even know how to interact with them. Maybe it's the fear of abandonment that stems from my childhood. I have made quite a few new sister's in Christ in the last two months. They seem to be trustworthy and seeking the same things I am in search of. I never knew that there were actually beautiful souls in this world. One's who are not out to seek and destroy. I have closed myself off to so many people over the years because everyone I have ever trusted in has betrayed me and I eventually gave up all hope in finding anyone who might even WANT to try or listen to me at all. So many years I have carried all my burdens on my shoulders feeling as though each and every one of them was because of something I had done.  I must have deserved all of this hurt or I would not be enduring it...funny how we tell ourselves these kinds of thoughts for years and eventually we start believing them. They define who we are and likewise we allow ourselves to believe what others think of us. So much so that we lose sight of who we even are. I remember not too long ago I was asked "what is it that makes you happy" and all my mind could think of was drugs. Drugs were my only escape from this reality that had surrounded me and that was filled with hurt and pain and absolute despair. Now, being in sobriety I can start to see what I like and it is writing. I have always wrote poetry but most of it was just a release of all the negative feelings inside. Very dark and a lot of pain within the words. I have learned over the years by being belittled and broken down the power of words.  They are so powerful. I struggle with coming to terms with everything I thought I always knew was nothing it ever really was. For example, I thought my sister was my protector and my husband was the one I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life only to find out they had both forsaken my trust. They were sleeping together for years. How stupid and blind can I be to not see it? I am guilty of thinking others have the same heart as I do.  Although I have just recently learned this affair from my husband's mouth the Lord has placed forgiveness and peace in my heart about it. It's funny because I thought this would destroy me to find out that my husband was not faithful to me but in reality I am not sure I care and that is probably because I did not love him like I once thought. I was just afraid to be alone. Everything is being shown to me in time. I had never known about the monster I lived with for so many years. He was a rapist, cheater, woman beater, manipulator, child abuser and so many other descriptions that I just could not have ever fathomed. I feel betrayed as I gave him every piece of me and then some. I felt very insufficient for him so much so that I offered other females to him in our bedroom trying to compensate for what I thought I lacked. I mean, I hated me so why wouldn't he?  Maybe I somehow wanted him to hate me too, little did I know he really did. I don't believe we ever fell in love but hung onto each other in fear of abandonment. Abandonment has played a HUGE role in my choices in life. Although this was the biggest fear of my life, I learned that I never knew I needed God until God was all I had...Hebrews 13:5 states "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you". This was the very first scripture I ever read in my life and it brought me so much comfort to realize I was not alone, ever. Even when it seemed as though the sun would not shine He was right there fighting the same storm with me. Thank you Lord, I have found so much comfort in your refuge and pray to one day see myself like you see me.

9-25-15 Hopeless

I am not in good spirits at all tonight.  I am feeling very pessimistic towards my future.  I am being filled with worry over something I cannot control the outcome of. I wish I could just fast forward this part of my life but the reality of it is that I have to learn acceptance.  Accepting the things I cannot change, present or future.  My emotions feel like they are all over the place.  Wishing I knew how to control them or how to immediately redirect them before I get this low. I hate that there never seems to be a medium mode for me. Its always extreme highs and CRASH extreme low. It almost feels like I'm being punished to be able to feel this much all the time. I am a logical thinker and I am seeking to make sense of everything that I've avoided.  If I can understand it is one battle but believing it is a whole different realm. Self worth. ..what is that? How is it that I can value others so much and be careless for myself? How does one build self worth?  So many thoughts that never stop. Anyway,  made myself see the therapist today and it went ok. I tried to give as much as I could but I was definitely scatter brain. I started to talk and realized there are so many things it felt a bit overwhelming.  I liked the lady I met today but struggled a bit with having different religious beliefs almost like I had to explain and justify my beliefs to her because she believes in Hinduism in which I am ignorant to completely.  I did a little research on it and at least attempted to view things from that perspective.  I have not counted her out because of this but wondered if it would be easier to tell someone who likewise understood my beliefs.  I will give it a shot because I don't believe anyone is brought into your life by accident so I prayed and asked God to reveal why this path was laid before me. Bright side, I liked that she can see me every week. I need intense therapy so once to twice a week is good for me. These thoughts get so overwhelming and my "normal" reaction is to use and shut the thoughts up.  Now I don't know if I know how to tunnel them into a different direction. Makes me a little sad to know I am diseased with mental illness and addiction and there is no cure just something I must battle the rest of my life. I want healing more than anything and I believe if I continue to seek his word that he will answer my prayers and heal what's broken in me. Thanks for another day of sobriety Lord,  without you this would not have been possible.

9-25-15 Merciful God

Although court was a few days ago, it is now dawning on me what a merciful God we have. The states attorney has offered me a task probation which when completed would "erase" the felony charges I am facing! Amen, God is good. I cannot go into detail as to why this is such a blessing just yet however it is by grace I am being offered this second  chance. My career is at stake if I were to catch a felony and even if that is His will, I will accept he has a much greater plan for me than what would be happening. I feel so at ease knowing I am not alone, EVER and funny thing is, I truly never have been. When I look back at all that I have gone through he was always right there! I was just too blind to see. I held a lot of resentment towards him for what had happened in my childhood. So much so that I did not believe there was even a God. I mean, my thinking was "why didn't God protect his children like they taught me in church as a child? Why did he let this happen? Was I THAT bad that I deserved all of this hurt?". Later, I would realize that he allows all their own free will and what happened to me was not of my doings or anything I had caused. It was something that was done to me and he must have known I was a strong enough soul to handle what was thrown my way. Maybe I did not handle it the way he might have envisioned but again, he gives us free will and and I solely made the choices thereafter my experiences. Forgiveness for myself has to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I struggle heavily with how to forgive myself for my choices. I pray that one day I can see myself the way He sees me, fearfully and wonderfully made (thanks sponsor). He is one heck of a merciful God. He has shown me so much mercy I cannot deny what he is doing inside of my soul. I am a grateful believer in the almighty Jesus Christ :)

9-25-15 Therapist

Well today is "the day". I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I am anxious about seeing her. I have tried a million times in a million ways to talk myself out of going tonight.  She specializes in rape and addiction.  Not sure why I go through fight or flight mode about my rape. Its like something that has happened to me but not something I am ready to freely talk about.  I have told others that it happened but not really EVER gone into details with ANYONE.  I suppose I reference it in the passing like... "I was raped when I was 10 years old" that's where the details stop. Some if the actions that happened after this incident are shameful to me. When I was 11 I "slept" with a 26 year old man. I have thought about this incident many times as I see my children growing as my oldest is 12 and think "oh my god, he is JUST A CHILD". That 26 year old man was a pedophile. I guess I carry shame because I didn't say no to him but him being the adult in the situation he should have never pursued me. These following few years I would learn that saying no didn't matter anyway and it was easier to just let them "have it" than to feel as though they were taking another piece of my soul. So much shame and guilt for my actions from the age of 10-13 years old. Anyway I hope this lady I am going to see today doesn't want to "dive right in". I did however make sure this office offers weekly appointments because the last person I sought only offered one appointment every 2-3 weeks and life is such a mess that I know I need to keep close contact with those who can help untangle the demons of my past. Then, I havr CR again tonight :) Yay! I know God is all around me and will hold me up with his right hand if the demons begin to overcome my thoughts.  Please pray for me as I embark on doing something different in this life because I believe its true "if you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you've always got". Thanks :)

9-24-15 Peace

Well, today is actually a good day for me. I hang onto these moments as they sometimes seem far and few between.  Of course it is Thursday so I am looking forward to CR tonight :) The Lord has put peace in my soul thus far today.  I feel confident about my future and the book I will publish.  I am normally filled with fear and anxiety about the uncertainty of the future which holds me captive many days. I believe his good work will not only be noticed by me but those who live with and around me.  He is working in ways I never fathomed. Peace in my soul, can you imagine that? So much comfort in knowing I am no longer in control. I have been used to being fully in control and bogged down with the "what ifs" that 98% of the time never even happen. I worried about things so much that I wished for death.  I am grateful for another day of sobriety and most importantly, peace! Thank you Lord, I cannot explain what is happening I just know what I feel and it is absolutely amazing!

9-24-15 Pandemic

Sadly, it has become apparent that the word "heroin" immediately makes others pass judgement.  Most silently but some do aloud. I am not sure if people feel like "gosh she must be stupid IIII would never stoup THAT low". Funny thing is, I used to pass the same judgement before I found myself in a full blown addiction that started with "legal" heroin. People who even use the "legal" heroin don't even realize that is what they are using and once they do come to the realization,  their addiction tells them "well its okay because my doctor prescribes it." Prescription narcotics are classified as an OPIOID is it a coincidence the heroin is an OPIATE? I think not! I guess What's saddest of all I feel like when I speak of this it falls on deaf ears. I just read an article about a girl who was 27 yrs old and died from an overdose. ..oh did I mention she was a BIOCHEMICAL engineer?  I am not alone when I think to myself "wow, you are an industrial designer,  those kinds of people don't find themselves in this kind of predicament.  Right, because they are successful and smart. What happened to you?!?" It is evident that they DO! And I think sometimes it's much harder for someone who has found career success to reach out for help because we are so ashamed to tell anyone how badly we need help.  "Successful people don't do this sort of thing" is what we think....wrong addiction does not discriminate.  When will the world open their eyes to just how bad this problem is? How many more will have to DIE before America puts a ca-bosh on the freely handing out of narcotics? !? This is no longer an epidemic but it has evolved to a full blown PANDEMIC. #prayingfordeliverancefromaddiction

9-24-15 The book Carries on

This is the first time I have revisited the book I am preparing for publishing as most of what it entails forces me to relive the moments...day by day and almost second by second and it can get horrifying for me at times.  I wrote a little bit more in depth about when the department of children and family services took us from our mother's care and placed us in foster care with my grandparents. Today, I realize exactly how lucky I was to have a family member willing to take us in and keep us even though we were very rebellious and even blamed them at times for the things we had gone through. When I speak of we, I refer to myself and my sister, my protector. It seems as though I can only write a little at a time as the feelings and emotions that lie within those memories are devastating and horrifying at times.  I do realize in order to get better I must face and deal with my own reality that I have run from for so long now. I want to lay these things to rest and tell the world how broken one can become and how God's mercy is so amazing that he can come for those who are labeled "nonredeemable".

9-23-15 Thoughtful

This morning I woke up and had many thoughts of quitting everything I'm dreaming of. The adversary always likes to feed crazy thoughts of not being good enough or that you and ur testimony don't even matter really so why even try. I know in my heart I am being called upon to stay "Silent No More". The book I'm writing is very hard at times. I must relive the moments of horror to get to the awesomeness of how he saved me. Through the brokenness I know many will be reached I just hope that I am strong enough to carry out the calling that I feel. I have scheduled an appointment on Friday to see a therapist who specializes in rape and addiction. I keep getting fleeting moments of not wanting to see her because that is one of the horrifying experiences I've never spoken about. I don't even fully recall all of it at this time. Its almost like I know it happened and it was documented by police and the local newspaper as my perpetrator was sentenced for his crimes against me. So much guilt and shame for what had happened to me and I'm not sure why I was the victim and I continue to be victimized by this.  I was only 10 years old...a fourth grader! He was a 21 year old man. The guilt...owh the guilt! Hoping today is awesome and goes by quickly because I love Thursday night's as I have my home church CR (celebrate recovery) group to attend and no matter what kind of day I've had it always brings my spirit up.

9-22-15 Constant Challenge

Had court today and I'm facing some serious charges.  I am 70 days into a lifetime of sobriety but still get filled with fear that I will drop dirty. I struggle daily with these suicidal thoughts in which I know why I don't tell many because unless they LIVE it they do not understand it. Some can hear what you say bit in their sound mind cannot fathom the thought of taking their own life. I get so trapped in these moments death feels like the only acceptable route. Nothing in this world makes me think owh that's dumb...carry on. Wish I could better understand why I feel so hopeless at times. I often forget how talented I really can be. I wish the mental illness would subside and sometimes it does. I am striving for healing because I believe it exists but only once we work on what it so broken. And when I think back wow...there's a lot of brokenness.  I always thought moving forward and farther away from the past would make it better. I mean come on I see people do it all the time but in reality I too was living that fake reality for many years. I minimize things I've been through and tell myself "this ur problem suck it up sally" when really in order to deal I must face the demons of my past I simply cannot run anymore. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Secrecy has held me captive for too many years I want to learn to do more than survive I want to learn how to LIVE.

Beginning posts - MORNING THOUGHT 9-22-15

I am grateful to be alive even after the awful night. Funny thing about this is for so many years I would pray to a God I didn't even know. I would pray every time I got low for him to cease this beating heart. I just wanted the pain within to stop. I have attempted to make it more than once.  I cannot put into words what the Lord is doing inside of me and also around me. My world is vastly different from what it was like in July of this year with my last attempt of suicide. There are no scientific reasons as to why I pulled through that attempt except for God's mercy. I didn't even believe in him at that time and he never left my side for the whole 8 hours I was staring death in the face. He cradled me and saw me through.  That night I ate 6mg of Xanax and shot myself up with heroin and this combination has proved to take many lives. I knew this would put me to sleep forever as many many have died from this before and I have stood in my kitchen with my love while his lips were blue and he was on the floor lifeless knocking on deaths door. I can recall keeping him breathing until his coma would pass. The pain inside just wouldn't stop and I desperately begged to a God I did not believe in to just silence this soul. Funny thing is...he has answered this prayer but in a much different way than I ever imagined. Yes I do still struggle but the overwhelming undeniable pain I struggled through has not become to much for Him to handle. When I feel these feelings coming on  or find myself there before I even realize it He calls me to seek his word in every matter. He is my comforter and I pray every day to be delivered from these chains. The Lord has surrounded me with beautiful souls who are caring,  godly and always there without judgement.  Thank you Lord I am grateful!